7 Relationship Tips

You know, there are a lot of things this morning that I have "opinions" about this morning: the premiere of "Dancing with the Stars" (Season 16??? Are we bored yet?), Sarah Palin's speech at CPAC (Why is her juvenile mockery so appealing to people? Putting someone down doesn't make you a leader.), March Madness (My alma mater, Louisville, is the #1 overall seed in the NCAA tournament! Kentucky was snubbed and didn't even make the NCAA tournament!), the Jodi Arias trial (Fascinating!), and the Carnival Cruise line (Why are people still going on these boats??). While those are all fun things to talk about, instead of being snarky and provocative, I would like to take today to talk about love.

For the last two weeks my fiancé, Josh, has been working 12 to 16 hours a day at school. He was the music director for the musical "Oklahoma!" It was fantastic! His kids did a wonderful job and I couldn't be more proud of them or him!

The musical ran from Thursday through Saturday. Our weekly date night is Friday night. Obviously this last week, Friday was completely out: Josh was at school until 10:15pm, I was at home cleaning and watching the Big East tournament semifinals, and we were both exhausted by the time we saw each other. We decided to go to Saturday morning brunch as our date. It was so much fun! We went to IHOP (I know there are political problems with this company--I love their pancakes and I am not going to take a political stand on everything.) and spent literally three hours just talking. It was so great! We talked about his school stuff, neuroscience, ADHD, seeing potential in yourself, and us. Getting to have that weekly time with each other makes it so much easier to be best friends, not just lovers. We are so incredibly lucky to be more in love than almost any other couple we've met!

We got home and cleaned our apartment because our families were coming to the musical on Saturday night. Josh cleaned the kitchen while I did the bathroom and then we blitzed the living room together. The chemistry we have when it comes to getting things done is so good. We know what needs to be done, we know what the other can handle, and we work together to make it happen.

I know that no relationship is perfect, and ours isn't without its flaws; but it is so good! While a lot of what we have does come naturally, we do work at our relationship. Here are the seven most important things I can tell you about being in a successful relationship:

1. Love the quirks. If your significant other's quirks bother you more than make you laugh, that could be a problem. One of Josh's biggest quirks is destroying a made bed just by looking at it. Last night I went to sleep laughing because I had put the bed back together before I brushed my teeth, and it was completely untucked by the time I came back! We were laughing so hard and it sounds silly to anyone else, but if I didn't love him and everything about him, I could have gotten really upset. Obviously, you will get irritated with some of the quirks, but make sure the endearing qualities outweigh the irritating qualities, or you could have some problems on your hands.

2. Have a weekly date. I saw something a couple of weeks ago about how a couple never had a date because they make their kids their priority. Now, obviously, we don't have kids yet so that's not super-relevant, but even when we do have kids, we will still have a weekly time for just us. We have had a weekly date every week since we started dating. They're usually on Friday night but, like last week, sometimes we move our dates around a little bit. Sometimes we are so exhausted by Friday that we just stay in and watch a movie and get Chinese food. Set that time aside for yourselves, though. It makes such a difference. I mean, we spend a lot of time together, but "Date Night" is different than just a night at home. Make it special, make it about you, and make it something you both want to do.

3. Talk with each other. Josh kind of goes nuts sometimes because I talk so much. He also is a bit of a talker. ;-) But we talk about pretty much everything. We know each other's goals, pet peeves, pasts, dislikes, passions, and hopes. I cannot stress enough, just like everyone who has ever said anything about relationships: communication is the key. We barely ever fight. Really! I know that for those of you who  know us, you might be surprised by that because we both have...rather strong personalities, shall I say! But we are always fine tuning our relationship, instead of waiting until something breaks and then fixing it. Some people say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." I say, "If you are in consistent communication, it won't break." Ha--that's a horrible saying, but you get the message.

4. Be honest. If you are in a truly great relationship, the other person will not write you off if you screw up. You will work through it and move on. So, just be honest with your partner. This is my biggest one. I have trust issues (I know how cliche that sounds, but it's true.) because of things that happened to me a long time ago, not because of anything Josh did. However, if he were ever untruthful to me and then I found out about it, it would probably mess with my head for months. I am a little bit too honest with Josh; he has told me multiple times that he doesn't need to hear every detail of my day. But because of where my head is, I don't ever want to lie to him, even by accident. Josh doesn't tell me every detail of his days, and I'm fine with that. But I know he's honest with me and doesn't hide things or lie to me or anything. If you can't say that about your relationship, that might be the place to start working.

5. Cut your partner some slack. Now, I just want to be clear: I am not as good as this one as Josh is. He is the most patient person I've ever met in my entire life. But I'm learning, and the more flexible I am, the better our relationship gets. Josh cuts me slack all the time because of my fibromyalgia--I don't get as much as I want to done and he is so patient with me. On Saturday when we got home from IHOP, Josh needed 20 minutes for a cat nap before he started cleaning. I let him do his thing and I started cleaning the bathroom while he just relaxed for a while. And then he cleaned the entire kitchen. The "old me" would have been harping and harping and harping at him to clean right when we walked in the door and it would have been a very unhappy experience. Instead, I let him be an adult and make his own decisions, because I knew that he understood what needed to be done. And he was happy about that. And I was, too. :-) It really makes a difference, trust me.

6. Work on yourself. This one can seem counter-intuitive, because talking about a "relationship" makes you think about what you can do for or with the other person. But you cannot have a great relationship with anyone else unless you consistently and constantly work on your relationship with yourself. This is something that I have a very hard time with because I would rather spend all day doing things to make Josh happy than figure out why I'm feeling insecure about something. But if I just ignore that little pinprick going on in the back of my mind, it will manifest itself in crazy ways. You must be honest with both of you: your partner and yourself.

7. Show appreciation for each other. To really show appreciation for your partner, ask them how they feel appreciated. That might sound really silly, but it's not. I feel appreciated when Josh verbally says, "Thank you for..." or "I love the way you..." Josh feels appreciated when I do something like doing the dishes or having the house decently in order. This was a disconnect for us for a long time because I would say things to him like, "Thank you for working so hard" or "I love how dedicated you are to your job" because that's how I feel appreciated. He would do things like go to the store and pick up a few things or fill my car with gas. I appreciated those things, but didn't feel like I was being appreciated, if that makes sense. We actually talked about it a few months ago and realized that we were "appreciating" the other person the way we want to be appreciated. So now, I'm making an effort to do the dishes or something and he is making the effort to verbally acknowledge what I do. We both feel a lot more appreciated. :-)

I hope these tips help some people and I hope that those of you in great relationships just nodded for the last five minutes while you were reading them. :-) There are thousands more tips, of course, but these are just the ones I had at the front of my mind today.

"Be the change you wish to be in the world." --Gandhi

5 Steps to Get from Grumpy to Groovy

I slept terribly last night. I never get enough sleep, and the sleep I do get is always filled with weird dreams (last night was about a hurricane on Lake Ontario...where did that come from?). I woke up this morning in one of the worst moods I've had. It didn't help that the humidity level was at 91%; the higher the humidity level is, the more pain I'm in. The minute I woke up, one of my amazing kittens that I love so much (note the sarcasm) decided it was snuggle time and stuck his wet little nose in my face and would not go away. This was at 5:30 in the morning. I was so grumpy!!!

I've now been up for three hours and am still walking around with a black cloud over my head. My fiancé is working 16-hour days this week, I have to get the house ready for our families when they visit tomorrow, I'm working on our wedding invitations and they're not going well...I could go on all day! 

BUT...I realized that I need to get out of my funk because I have a lot to do today. So here is a five-step process to get yourself out of a funk! Before I write about each of these items, I'm going to actually do it to make sure it helps. :-)

1. Eat something healthy. I just ate a banana and Greek yogurt. Already feeling better!

2. Take a shower. Yes, I just left this for 20 minutes so I could go shower to see if it helps. And it does! Wait a second--did I just catch myself thinking a positive thought?! Uh-oh...! :-)

3. Put on clothes that make you happy and feel good. Leggings and a sweater dress for me today! I know I have to clean and I generally wear jeans to do that, but even though jeans are practical, my skin is so sensitive today that the denim is "hard" and they hurt. Today is about feeling good! :-)

4. Make a list or schedule of your day. Here's mine: dishes, counters, stove, invitations, RSVPs, vacuuming, clutter pick-up, nap. Feeling a little overwhelmed, but at the same time, once I'm done with my list, I get to watch last night's Project Runway!

5. Blast some music to get you going! I have 50 channels of music on my TV and Pandora on my computer. Easy enough to find something to get me pumped up! 

Wow. After about an hour of all this, I am no longer a grumpy grouch! :-) I highly recommend doing this if you're in a funk.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi

Pi for Kids!

Happy π Day!!! I am a huge fan of Pi! I'm pretty sure I still hold the record at my old high school for Most Memorized Digits of Pi: 279! :-) I had braces that year and for the colored bands on them that month, I assigned each number a color and then had the colors put on my braces in order. Let's just say I wasn't in the "cool club" during high school...I did get my extra credit, though...ha!

I have always loved numbers! For as long as I can remember I've loved patterns in numbers, putting numbers to music, and just messing around with mathematic symbols to make fun things. But kids don't fall in love with numbers very often (most of the time, through no fault of their own--but talking about the way our education system teaches math is for another day!). So I thought that I would take today, it being a math kind of day, to share an awesome way to teach kids about π.

When you verbally ask a kid what "pi(e)" is, they will almost certainly tell you it's a dessert, and then proceed to share their favorite kinds of pie with you. Here's the coolest way to introduce π as 3.14 to kids in a way they will remember.

Write "PI.E" with a pointy "P" and a period between the "I" and the "E". Ask your kids what they read: "pie" should be the answer along with a lot of OCD kids saying that you wrote your "P" wrong and put the period in the wrong place. Be patient with those kids. I was one of those kids. :-)

Hold up a hand mirror to the right of "PIE." Suddenly, "PI.E" becomes "3.14"! Amazement should ensue. 

Do NOT write "PIE" with a rounded "P" or you will get "3.19" which defeats the purpose. Your students will remember what they see first, so if the first thing they associate with "pi(e)" is 3.19, they will struggle with changing that to 3.14.

If you're teaching an entire class this concept and can't get hand mirrors for all your kids, either trade off with the hand mirrors you have or bring in a big mirror and you can do this on the whiteboard or Smartboard and everyone can see! In my experience, kids remember best if they do it themselves, so individual mirrors would definitely be ideal.

Keep in mind that this does not teach your kids that 3.14 is symbolized by "π" or even that 3.14 is "pi" and not "pie." It teaches them aurally that 3.14 is "pi(e)". Have this activity be the attention grabber of your lesson before you continue with the π and explaining irrational numbers and all that.

In one of the captions above, I mentioned that your kids remember what they see first. So that means that they've now associated "p-i-e" with 3.14. This is a good time to introduce the symbol "π".

This is a worksheet/coloring sheet I made where the kiddos can write what kinds of "pie"
the icons represent under each image.

Have your students color the π symbols as if the symbols were the previous kinds of pie. Let them be as creative as they want! If some kid does brown on the apple one and doesn't put a leaf on top, ask why first before giving them no points. They may have been doing a lattice-top apple pie or apple pie filling--neither of which are red or have leaves. If some kid leaves the chocolate one white and then tells you it's a white chocolate pie, don't tell them they have to color it brown. Ask them if there's anything that goes with white chocolate that they could draw inside the symbol (eg. raspberries). If you challenge your smart-alecs to take it a step further, they will become your super-stars. 99% of the time, the reason they're smart-alecs is that they're smart and they're bored. Ask me how I know. :-)

It's fun, it's not complicated for your kids to complete, it's easy for you to grade, and they will start associating the symbol π with "pie." You've shown them "pi" on their worksheet, but you haven't drawn attention to it.

After they're done coloring, put a π symbol on the board and ask them what symbol it is. "Pi(e)" will be the verbal answer. Then ask them how it's spelled. You're going to have one or two kids who actually read the title of the worksheet. Let them be thrilled that they know how to spell it! Write it on the board and ask your students, "Do you like p-i-e more or p-i more?"

Note: If some kid says "p-i" you've got a brown-noser. :-) Just kidding! Don't give them attention for it, though, if they do say, "p-i". The only reason they're saying that when they don't even have a firm grasp on what π is, is to get attention.

Back to the lesson: "Do you like p-i-e more or p-i more?"
"P-I-E!!!"
"So would which one would you want more of, p-i-e or p-i?"
"P-I-E!!!"
"Does p-i-e or p-i have more letters?"
"P-I-E!!!"
"So how do you spell this symbol?" Point to symbol on board.
"P-I!!!"
"How do you spell it?"
"P-I!!!"
"How is this symbol spelled?"
"P-I!!!"

It works out pretty well. Now, if you're introducing π to your class, you've almost certainly introduced the "approximately equals" sign: ≈. So at this point, go ahead and write, "π ≈ " on the board. Ask the class if they remember (from the mirror activity) what number should go there. This is a stretch because your kids have not seen this setup. You should have a couple of kids who remember, though! 

At this point, you can leave it at that and eat your pie (if this is a young class and you're simply celebrating Pi Day), or you can eat your pie while you go on to explain irrational numbers, circumference, or anything else you're planning on talking about that lesson. 

Don't forget to have your pi digit recitation! In elementary school it's very typical for kids to memorize 50 digits for extra credit. Make sure you give your kids a paper of the first 1000 or so digits at least a week before so they know about it and can prepare. And give every kid that memorizes the amount of digits you've set as the minimum extra credit, not just the kid who memorizes the most digits. In high school, it's not typical for kids to memorize any, because by that point in their lives, they have "cooler" things to do. Still, if you make it a competition at the middle and high school levels, you'll get a few bites. Make a trophy, keep tabs on who is the reigning champion of π, do anything you can to make it a thing.

I hope this has helped and gives you all some cool ideas! Do spinoffs, use my stuff, make it better! Make your goal to help kids have fun with numbers! Happy Pi Day! :-)

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi

Unemployment Rate Drops!

I got a job!!! :-) So, technically that means the unemployment rate has dropped! Yesterday I got asked to interview for and landed a virtual assistant job for an eco-friendly product company out of Brooklyn. It really seems like a perfect fit! It's going to be part-time at first, going to full-time on an as needed basis. 

I've had a long stint of being unemployed...about a year and a half. I quit my receptionist job before my last year at school because I was too busy to work and student teach. Then I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia before I graduated from college, so I didn't get a teaching job after I got my degree because I can't have a job that is so stressful.

When I moved to Florence, KY I started this blog and then two months later, I started my site. So far I've made $11 in ad clicks from them! :-) I've been published by ThoughtfulWomen.org almost 60 times. I started my Etsy shop a few weeks ago, but haven't gotten any sales yet. Even though financially it doesn't look like I'm doing very well, my "brand" is growing! Yesterday I was asked to contribute to a blog because of a tweet I sent. When people I've tweeted have met me in person, they don't know "Kinsey" but when I tell them that I'm "ChickOpinion" they're thrilled to meet me! 

Building a brand takes time, and I'm pretty happy with what I've been able to accomplish in a relatively short time. I am, however, very happy that I get to add a job to the mix so we can have some supplemental income! Unemployment gave me the opportunity to create the ChickOpinion brand and get the ball rolling, but I am not really well-suited for unemployment; not because of the lack of money, but because of a sense of not doing enough for other people.

So, here is my advice for all of you who are unemployed (not by choice): 

• Commit yourself to something and work on it every day. Someone will find you and recognize your work! I didn't even apply for this job--she found me! She needs a social media guru and realized that I'm a good fit. 
• Apply for everything you can. 
• Don't limit yourself to what your degree says you can do. I've applied for everything from assistant positions to social media director positions to online elementary teaching positions. My degree is in K-12 music education. If you think you can do it and it's something you're interested in, go for it!
• Be honest with your potential employers. I was very forthcoming with my new employer about having fibromyalgia and not being able to work 24/7. She ended up being amazingly caring and very cool about it. If you don't have an employer who is going to care about you when they know everything about you, would you really want to work for them?
• Don't give up. You will have hard days and feel like you're never going to be good enough, but it'll be okay.

Sending happy thoughts to everyone today!

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi

"Preachers' Daughters" Reality Show--What Could Go Wrong?

A new show is starting tonight on Lifetime: "Preachers' Daughters." It's about adolescent daughters of preachers, how they want "freedom," their daddies are super-strict on them, and then there is lots of lying, crying, arguing, and the girls showing off how nuts they are because they are "preachers' daughters." Sounds totally logical and not like a train-wreck at all, right?

I am not technically a PK (preacher's kid). I am, however, an MK (missionary's kid) whose dad preached occasionally. My parents have worked for the Presbyterian Church for 13 years. I lived overseas in a third-world country (Vanuatu) with them for five years and moved back to the States when I was 16, where I was put into a big-city public school. Nothing can go wrong there...ha!

I went through my rebellious phase while I struggled with anorexia and an abusive relationship--all in high school. In college, my first three years were just as hard. I had too many "relationships," struggled with taking things seriously, and tried on different identities to see where I could fit in.

So, did I go through all of this because my parents were missionaries? No. Can kids kind of go off the deep end when they feel like there are expectations that they cannot reach? Absolutely.

I absolutely cannot imagine having to do everything I went through with cameras and a million people watching my every move. This show has the potential to make the girls' lives a lot harder than it already is. Regardless of what everyone says about "reality" TV, we all know that we act differently when we know people are watching us. Teenage girls feel that pressure multiplied by 1000 because they usually assume that everyone is watching them all the time anyway!

If anyone feels like this show is a bad idea, please tell Lifetime. I am not against this show just because I think the premise is stupid--I think that it actually has potential to be dangerous for these young girls, as well as the PKs and MKs who will watch it. If Lifetime and these girls' parents won't take responsibility for their safety, the public should.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi

5 Easy Ways to Feel Great on International Women's Day

Happy International Women's Day! In honor of today, here are 5 ways to feel amazing without going through too much trouble.

1. Give yourself a quick manicure. If you have a favorite color of nail polish, break it out! If you don't like nail polish that's okay, too! Give yourself a nail soak, use an orange stick to *gently* push back your cuticles, and then take a nail file to the rough edges of your nails. Clean and even nails are a great way to feel great in 5 minutes!

2. Do 15 minutes of yoga. In silence. What woman isn't overwhelmed?! Turn off the TV, radio, and iPod, grab your yoga mat, and breathe in a quick, calming workout!

3. Straighten your house in 3 songs. Whether you're a working woman, stay-at-home mom, or somewhere in between, a lot of us have the instinct of wanting a clean house but we really don't like cleaning. Put Pandora on your favorite station, crank it up, and straighten up your house for three songs. You'll be surprised at how much it actually helps!

4. Do something for only yourself. We tend to spend our lives helping everyone around us and ignoring ourselves. What is the one thing you used to do by yourself that you miss most from when you were single or before you had kids or before you got a job? Take 10 minutes and do it!

5. Do something for the women you love. We do help the people around us, and we like doing it! So today, do something for the women in your life that you love. Maybe a phone call, a text, or an email just to see how they're doing would be nice. Or if you want to step it up, flowers or chocolate are always appreciated. Well, almost always...find out what that woman's stance on chocolate is before you give her a box of it! ;-)

Have a wonderful day celebrating yourself and the women in your life!

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi

Women's Rights: Best Represented by Vagina Billboards?

On a Montana Christmas morning in seventh grade, I got a pin that said, "This is what a RADICAL FEMINIST looks like." I wore it to school my first day back because I knew I would get attention for it. My best friend at the time was raised in an incredibly conservative household and he and I argued politics during our Civics class all the time. Sure enough, within the first three minutes of Civics, we had a very heated argument going. My teacher told me to take my new pin off. I refused, since it's my First Amendment right to wear it, and got sent to the office. They sent me back to class (with the pin on), told me not to cause trouble, and told him to regain control of his own classroom.

Recently, the University of Cincinnati Feminists and the University of Cincinnati LGBTQ groups have combined their efforts to create a project: "Re-envisioning the Female Body." This project consists of 12 temporary billboards with giant photographs of vaginas that will be placed outside a building on the University of Cincinnati's campus for four hours apiece on Thursday and Friday. According to this article by Kendall Herold of WCPO, the reason the students give for this project on their Facebook page is "to combat social inequalities and abuses through the use of our vaginas as a form of collective resistance to oppression and to claim our positions as individuals with unique experiences, perceptions, and needs" and "to call attention to the vagina as a site of conflict in medical, legislative, domestic, and representational arenas." Author's Note: I would highly recommend against going to the Facebook page that is linked at the end of the aforementioned article. Their main photo seems to be one that will be featured on a billboard.

The president of the University of Cincinnati issued this statement yesterday, saying that the billboards will be allowed on campus because UC is "a public institution obligated to protect the First Amendment, even--perhaps especially--when that protection results in disagreement." While this is understandable, I don't know how legal it is; not because of the nature of the First Amendment, but because of laws against public nudity. I don't expect the president of UC to be well-versed in these laws, but I do expect the Cincinnati police department as well as university attorneys to look into it.

I'm still incredibly invested in women's rights, but a decade after the seventh grade pin incident, I no longer see myself as a "radical feminist." This is radical and, in my not entirely humble opinion, completely misses the point of being women's rights activists! If women want to draw attention to our rights and try to move forward in changing our society so that we have equality, we cannot be so stupid. If we are trying to have men and other women take us seriously, showing giant vaginas with "personal stories under each one" for eight hours on a public university campus is hardly the way to accomplish this! It is important--so important--to have our voices heard, but it is equally important that we conduct ourselves so that we can retain the respect that women who have come before us have fought for and won!

As women who desperately want equality in our "medical, legislative, domestic, and representational arenas," would it not serve us better to put our energies and talents toward earning our degrees in medicine, in political science, or in anything else in which we want equality, than throwing around photos of our privates in a manner that suggests we care more about making a scene than affecting change? This will not change anything. Anything. 

There are, however, some things that we, not as women, but as citizens, can do that will affect change:

• Research the positions of your governments (local, state, and federal) on issues regarding your body, your salary, and any other matters about which you are concerned.
• If you don't like any of the positions that your elected leaders have taken on one of the previously mentioned topics, let them know. You can't just rant about something on Facebook or Twitter and expect it to change. You can rant about something on Facebook or Twitter, write or call your elected leaders, and then expect it to change (in time, with a fight, and your continued haranguing of your leaders).
• Call your healthcare providers and insurance companies to find out what is covered in your healthcare plan. 
• Find out if your male counterparts at your job are making the same salary you are. If they are, great! If not, you need to decide whether you'll take it up with your employer or not.

Here is the best thing, in my opinion, we can do to affect change:

• If there is something about which we are unsatisfied because it illuminates inequality between the sexes and we want it to change, we must take action. We must take action! But (and I wish I could emphasize the gravity of "but" more than just putting it in italics!) we must ensure that the action we take is intelligent and is relevant and, beyond everything else, does not take away from the reason for the action.

It is my opinion that the UC Feminists and LGBTQ groups have gone out of their way to create a shocking scene with "Re-envisioning the Female Body." And it will be shocking. This project will get attention. It already has gotten close to 15 minutes of air time on our local ABC station alone. But will it get attention for what the supposed point of this project is? I really don't know that it will. It will be remembered, but not for a gain for women's rights; it will be remembered for 12 giant vaginas and possibly a lawsuit.

I am so impassioned about my rights, about all women's rights, but passion alone does not create change. It must be accompanied with reason, with purpose, and with strategy, none of which that can possibly be misconstrued as emotional or confused and so take away from the intention of the initial passion and function of the action.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi