7 Relationship Tips

You know, there are a lot of things this morning that I have "opinions" about this morning: the premiere of "Dancing with the Stars" (Season 16??? Are we bored yet?), Sarah Palin's speech at CPAC (Why is her juvenile mockery so appealing to people? Putting someone down doesn't make you a leader.), March Madness (My alma mater, Louisville, is the #1 overall seed in the NCAA tournament! Kentucky was snubbed and didn't even make the NCAA tournament!), the Jodi Arias trial (Fascinating!), and the Carnival Cruise line (Why are people still going on these boats??). While those are all fun things to talk about, instead of being snarky and provocative, I would like to take today to talk about love.

For the last two weeks my fiancé, Josh, has been working 12 to 16 hours a day at school. He was the music director for the musical "Oklahoma!" It was fantastic! His kids did a wonderful job and I couldn't be more proud of them or him!

The musical ran from Thursday through Saturday. Our weekly date night is Friday night. Obviously this last week, Friday was completely out: Josh was at school until 10:15pm, I was at home cleaning and watching the Big East tournament semifinals, and we were both exhausted by the time we saw each other. We decided to go to Saturday morning brunch as our date. It was so much fun! We went to IHOP (I know there are political problems with this company--I love their pancakes and I am not going to take a political stand on everything.) and spent literally three hours just talking. It was so great! We talked about his school stuff, neuroscience, ADHD, seeing potential in yourself, and us. Getting to have that weekly time with each other makes it so much easier to be best friends, not just lovers. We are so incredibly lucky to be more in love than almost any other couple we've met!

We got home and cleaned our apartment because our families were coming to the musical on Saturday night. Josh cleaned the kitchen while I did the bathroom and then we blitzed the living room together. The chemistry we have when it comes to getting things done is so good. We know what needs to be done, we know what the other can handle, and we work together to make it happen.

I know that no relationship is perfect, and ours isn't without its flaws; but it is so good! While a lot of what we have does come naturally, we do work at our relationship. Here are the seven most important things I can tell you about being in a successful relationship:

1. Love the quirks. If your significant other's quirks bother you more than make you laugh, that could be a problem. One of Josh's biggest quirks is destroying a made bed just by looking at it. Last night I went to sleep laughing because I had put the bed back together before I brushed my teeth, and it was completely untucked by the time I came back! We were laughing so hard and it sounds silly to anyone else, but if I didn't love him and everything about him, I could have gotten really upset. Obviously, you will get irritated with some of the quirks, but make sure the endearing qualities outweigh the irritating qualities, or you could have some problems on your hands.

2. Have a weekly date. I saw something a couple of weeks ago about how a couple never had a date because they make their kids their priority. Now, obviously, we don't have kids yet so that's not super-relevant, but even when we do have kids, we will still have a weekly time for just us. We have had a weekly date every week since we started dating. They're usually on Friday night but, like last week, sometimes we move our dates around a little bit. Sometimes we are so exhausted by Friday that we just stay in and watch a movie and get Chinese food. Set that time aside for yourselves, though. It makes such a difference. I mean, we spend a lot of time together, but "Date Night" is different than just a night at home. Make it special, make it about you, and make it something you both want to do.

3. Talk with each other. Josh kind of goes nuts sometimes because I talk so much. He also is a bit of a talker. ;-) But we talk about pretty much everything. We know each other's goals, pet peeves, pasts, dislikes, passions, and hopes. I cannot stress enough, just like everyone who has ever said anything about relationships: communication is the key. We barely ever fight. Really! I know that for those of you who  know us, you might be surprised by that because we both have...rather strong personalities, shall I say! But we are always fine tuning our relationship, instead of waiting until something breaks and then fixing it. Some people say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." I say, "If you are in consistent communication, it won't break." Ha--that's a horrible saying, but you get the message.

4. Be honest. If you are in a truly great relationship, the other person will not write you off if you screw up. You will work through it and move on. So, just be honest with your partner. This is my biggest one. I have trust issues (I know how cliche that sounds, but it's true.) because of things that happened to me a long time ago, not because of anything Josh did. However, if he were ever untruthful to me and then I found out about it, it would probably mess with my head for months. I am a little bit too honest with Josh; he has told me multiple times that he doesn't need to hear every detail of my day. But because of where my head is, I don't ever want to lie to him, even by accident. Josh doesn't tell me every detail of his days, and I'm fine with that. But I know he's honest with me and doesn't hide things or lie to me or anything. If you can't say that about your relationship, that might be the place to start working.

5. Cut your partner some slack. Now, I just want to be clear: I am not as good as this one as Josh is. He is the most patient person I've ever met in my entire life. But I'm learning, and the more flexible I am, the better our relationship gets. Josh cuts me slack all the time because of my fibromyalgia--I don't get as much as I want to done and he is so patient with me. On Saturday when we got home from IHOP, Josh needed 20 minutes for a cat nap before he started cleaning. I let him do his thing and I started cleaning the bathroom while he just relaxed for a while. And then he cleaned the entire kitchen. The "old me" would have been harping and harping and harping at him to clean right when we walked in the door and it would have been a very unhappy experience. Instead, I let him be an adult and make his own decisions, because I knew that he understood what needed to be done. And he was happy about that. And I was, too. :-) It really makes a difference, trust me.

6. Work on yourself. This one can seem counter-intuitive, because talking about a "relationship" makes you think about what you can do for or with the other person. But you cannot have a great relationship with anyone else unless you consistently and constantly work on your relationship with yourself. This is something that I have a very hard time with because I would rather spend all day doing things to make Josh happy than figure out why I'm feeling insecure about something. But if I just ignore that little pinprick going on in the back of my mind, it will manifest itself in crazy ways. You must be honest with both of you: your partner and yourself.

7. Show appreciation for each other. To really show appreciation for your partner, ask them how they feel appreciated. That might sound really silly, but it's not. I feel appreciated when Josh verbally says, "Thank you for..." or "I love the way you..." Josh feels appreciated when I do something like doing the dishes or having the house decently in order. This was a disconnect for us for a long time because I would say things to him like, "Thank you for working so hard" or "I love how dedicated you are to your job" because that's how I feel appreciated. He would do things like go to the store and pick up a few things or fill my car with gas. I appreciated those things, but didn't feel like I was being appreciated, if that makes sense. We actually talked about it a few months ago and realized that we were "appreciating" the other person the way we want to be appreciated. So now, I'm making an effort to do the dishes or something and he is making the effort to verbally acknowledge what I do. We both feel a lot more appreciated. :-)

I hope these tips help some people and I hope that those of you in great relationships just nodded for the last five minutes while you were reading them. :-) There are thousands more tips, of course, but these are just the ones I had at the front of my mind today.

"Be the change you wish to be in the world." --Gandhi