Smart Women Staying at Home

This morning on MSNBC's "Morning Joe" there was a segment about women staying at home vs. women in the work force. I would suggest watching it before reading my article.

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

I started college with the goal of graduating with my music education degree, moving to Chicago by myself, teaching inner-city middle school music, and changing the world. I am smart, I am passionate about my beliefs and values, and I am a very quick learner. I had no doubt in the world that I couldn't do what I wanted to do. There hadn't ever been anything I wanted that I didn't work for and get for myself. All I knew was success at the highest level.

Three and a half years through my undergrad, I was still going strong. I was taking graduate level education research classes for fun, I had started competitive ballroom dance to expand my understanding of music and make me a better future educator, and I still had every intention of moving to Chicago and changing education in urban schools.

And then I fell in love. Hard. It wasn't "I love you until we graduate and I leave" like my previous relationships had been. It was "I love you forever." The guy I fell in love with I'd known for 4 years, so it wasn't a "whirlwind romance" or anything crazy like that. But within two months of being with him, I wanted to get married, have kids, and be a stay-at-home mom. I had never seriously thought that in my life. When you're young you think, "Someday I want to get married," and that thought had crossed my mind, but it was never really a part of my plan. Ever.

I went through a crisis: suddenly I, this powerhouse woman who was raised to go after her dreams and test boundaries, was wanting to be domestic?! Why was I presenting my research at state conferences when I wouldn't use it? Why did I hate cleaning the kitchen, but wanted to be a stay-at-home mom? Why had I never changed a diaper and only ever babysat anyone once in my life, but now I wanted kids??

I talked to my boyfriend about it and he was fine with the change in my plan (he didn't really want to move to Chicago, anyway!). Both of us had been raised by very present parents (my mom didn't go back to work until I was 10) and he was thrilled that I wanted to stay at home with our kids!

But I wasn't. How could someone who was on a full scholarship to college and didn't ever touch IQ tests because she was scared of the results being too high (teeny bit arrogant--sorry!) stay at home with kids? How on earth could that possibly be fulfilling for me?! At the same time, having kids and reading to them and playing with them and cleaning up their puke and all the other bodily fluids was suddenly what I wanted more than anything. (Even now as I'm writing this, that last sentence brought tears to my eyes because having a baby or two and getting to be with them is still my greatest hope.)

I started to realize that it was possible for me to have both: a career and a family. I would just teach for a few years after graduation so we could save up some money and then when we decided to have a baby I could quit for a few years so I could stay at home. Once the kids were in elementary school, I could go back to work. Seemed like a pretty good plan; and then I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

That was a year ago. I've since gotten engaged to the aforementioned man (He was so amazing to propose to someone with a diagnosis like mine!). We are still planning on having kids, but now we might have to wait longer because I can't teach. I don't have a job (For those of you who saw my post about getting a job last week...she never called me back. Very unhappy about that.) so we are living on one salary, not living on one salary while saving the other salary. I don't even know if I physically can have kids. Fibro patients statistically have more trouble getting pregnant than healthy women. Also, I'm in so much pain at 110 pounds that I don't know what putting another 40 or 50 on would do to me. And then when I have the kid, taking care of them 24/7 might prove to be too much for my stress levels, which means my pain levels would go up and I would be essentially non-contributing to anything. Those will all be bridges to cross in the future.

*Takes deep breath*

So. Like one of the women on the panel this morning said, "Feminism is getting to choose what we want and telling people what we need." I have actually realized in the last year that I like baking, sewing, knitting, designing, and everything else I backed away from because I thought it was too "girly." Even though I had already made the decision that I was going to be a stay-at-home mom when we have kids and now I know I would love it, I feel like my "choice" was made for me a little prematurely.

Joanna Coles, editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, asked today on the panel, "Is there something innate in women that makes us anxious that we can't do it all?" For those of us who have the world at our fingertips and all we have to do it step into it to succeed, yes. Yes, I am anxious that I'm not doing enough in relation to the amount of intellect that I have. But I am doing what I know how to do: succeed. It might not seem like it, because I'm not bringing in a six-figure salary like she is, but progress is success, and I am progressing.

My decision to stay at home with my kids and then my fibromyalgia diagnosis has made my "job" right now very complicated. My job is to find a way to feel fulfilled and contribute to our little family, while not physically shutting down. I'm not getting to contribute financially very much right now, but I'm using the skills I have to build an empire that will be profitable in the next few years. ChickOpinion wasn't in existence seven months ago. Now, I've got over 500 Twitter followers and 60 articles published on an outside website. I have people asking me for help with their writing. I share lesson plan ideas and educators with more degrees than I do love them. And I give women like me hope. Women who had it all...and, through no fault of their own, lost it. We will succeed, because I will settle for nothing less.

So for me, I will be a stay-at-home mom. This is a choice I have made. But I will also be the founder and CEO of my own company (ChickOpinion) and nonprofit (in the works) by the time I'm 30. It might not make millions of dollars and put me on the "30 Under 30 to Watch" list, but it will be immensely fulfilling for me and I will get to read to my kids every day. I will get to see my children take their first steps while helping thousands of women who feel as lost as I did a year ago learn to thrive. How can I see any of my future as a negative? It's everything I could possibly want--and it's the best of both worlds.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi

Women's Rights: Best Represented by Vagina Billboards?

On a Montana Christmas morning in seventh grade, I got a pin that said, "This is what a RADICAL FEMINIST looks like." I wore it to school my first day back because I knew I would get attention for it. My best friend at the time was raised in an incredibly conservative household and he and I argued politics during our Civics class all the time. Sure enough, within the first three minutes of Civics, we had a very heated argument going. My teacher told me to take my new pin off. I refused, since it's my First Amendment right to wear it, and got sent to the office. They sent me back to class (with the pin on), told me not to cause trouble, and told him to regain control of his own classroom.

Recently, the University of Cincinnati Feminists and the University of Cincinnati LGBTQ groups have combined their efforts to create a project: "Re-envisioning the Female Body." This project consists of 12 temporary billboards with giant photographs of vaginas that will be placed outside a building on the University of Cincinnati's campus for four hours apiece on Thursday and Friday. According to this article by Kendall Herold of WCPO, the reason the students give for this project on their Facebook page is "to combat social inequalities and abuses through the use of our vaginas as a form of collective resistance to oppression and to claim our positions as individuals with unique experiences, perceptions, and needs" and "to call attention to the vagina as a site of conflict in medical, legislative, domestic, and representational arenas." Author's Note: I would highly recommend against going to the Facebook page that is linked at the end of the aforementioned article. Their main photo seems to be one that will be featured on a billboard.

The president of the University of Cincinnati issued this statement yesterday, saying that the billboards will be allowed on campus because UC is "a public institution obligated to protect the First Amendment, even--perhaps especially--when that protection results in disagreement." While this is understandable, I don't know how legal it is; not because of the nature of the First Amendment, but because of laws against public nudity. I don't expect the president of UC to be well-versed in these laws, but I do expect the Cincinnati police department as well as university attorneys to look into it.

I'm still incredibly invested in women's rights, but a decade after the seventh grade pin incident, I no longer see myself as a "radical feminist." This is radical and, in my not entirely humble opinion, completely misses the point of being women's rights activists! If women want to draw attention to our rights and try to move forward in changing our society so that we have equality, we cannot be so stupid. If we are trying to have men and other women take us seriously, showing giant vaginas with "personal stories under each one" for eight hours on a public university campus is hardly the way to accomplish this! It is important--so important--to have our voices heard, but it is equally important that we conduct ourselves so that we can retain the respect that women who have come before us have fought for and won!

As women who desperately want equality in our "medical, legislative, domestic, and representational arenas," would it not serve us better to put our energies and talents toward earning our degrees in medicine, in political science, or in anything else in which we want equality, than throwing around photos of our privates in a manner that suggests we care more about making a scene than affecting change? This will not change anything. Anything. 

There are, however, some things that we, not as women, but as citizens, can do that will affect change:

• Research the positions of your governments (local, state, and federal) on issues regarding your body, your salary, and any other matters about which you are concerned.
• If you don't like any of the positions that your elected leaders have taken on one of the previously mentioned topics, let them know. You can't just rant about something on Facebook or Twitter and expect it to change. You can rant about something on Facebook or Twitter, write or call your elected leaders, and then expect it to change (in time, with a fight, and your continued haranguing of your leaders).
• Call your healthcare providers and insurance companies to find out what is covered in your healthcare plan. 
• Find out if your male counterparts at your job are making the same salary you are. If they are, great! If not, you need to decide whether you'll take it up with your employer or not.

Here is the best thing, in my opinion, we can do to affect change:

• If there is something about which we are unsatisfied because it illuminates inequality between the sexes and we want it to change, we must take action. We must take action! But (and I wish I could emphasize the gravity of "but" more than just putting it in italics!) we must ensure that the action we take is intelligent and is relevant and, beyond everything else, does not take away from the reason for the action.

It is my opinion that the UC Feminists and LGBTQ groups have gone out of their way to create a shocking scene with "Re-envisioning the Female Body." And it will be shocking. This project will get attention. It already has gotten close to 15 minutes of air time on our local ABC station alone. But will it get attention for what the supposed point of this project is? I really don't know that it will. It will be remembered, but not for a gain for women's rights; it will be remembered for 12 giant vaginas and possibly a lawsuit.

I am so impassioned about my rights, about all women's rights, but passion alone does not create change. It must be accompanied with reason, with purpose, and with strategy, none of which that can possibly be misconstrued as emotional or confused and so take away from the intention of the initial passion and function of the action.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi

Women: Take the Chip Off Your Shoulder

This morning, I saw a story about Honda making a car called "Honda Fit She's"--marketed exclusively toward women. It's pink. The apostrophe in "She's" is a heart. It's apparently supposed to be "adult cute", according to the designers. The car also comes in brown and white, the "color of eyeshadow". Apparently, it's only being marketed in Japan. So, I went to the Japanese Honda site and this is their ad for the Fit She's. Very pink and very cutesy.

Now, obviously Japanese culture is different than American culture. The "cute" factor is incredibly amped up in Japan; or maybe it's massively down-played in the States. When I saw the story about the Fit She's, my immediate reaction was, "That's terrible! It's so demeaning. Not all women like pink. And the heart?! Come on, I'm not 16." Then I got to thinking about it. Why shouldn't the car market try to appeal to women? Almost all the other markets try to attract a specific set of people, don't they? I looked at the ads during the first hour of "Good Morning America" (68% of GMA's viewers are women) to see which companies were obviously trying to appeal to women.

Out of 55 total ads during the first hour, I felt that 34 of them were geared toward women. There were 14 campaign ads (3 of which were appealing to women), 9 food ads (6 of which included a mom with her kids; 3 of which were coffee ads), 6 beauty product ads, 1 each for "Katie" and "Ellen", and some clothing and appliance ads.

So, if 62% of the ads on GMA were trying to appeal to the female market, why did I feel so weird about the Honda Fit She's being "for women?" Since I had to go back through my DVR to re-watch all the ads to count them, I had some time to think about this.

I think American women have gotten used to the notion that we can hold our own and be as good as, or better, than men. While this may or may not be true in different areas, it does not mean that we are the same as men. I know a bunch of my "feminist" friends are not going to be happy about that statement, but it's true. And why would we want to be the same as men? We get to be women!

I feel like many of the women who complain about not being treated the "same" as men are also the ones who say that "men are sh!t." "Chivalry is dead" is a common saying among "successful" women. Maybe it's dead because super-feminist women have killed it. Half the time a guy holds the door for us, we say "thank you;" but the other half of the time, we get upset that he is treating us like women and being polite to us, instead of letting us "do it ourselves." God forbid a guy be polite.

We have a huge double standard going on here. We want the same treatment as men, but we want our political candidates to cater to the "women's vote." We want the same respect that men get, but the way many women bitch and complain about the lack of respect leaves men (and other women) disgusted. We want to be equal to men, but then we're upset when men don't put us on a pedestal and hold the door for us.

Going back to the Honda Fit She's topic, while I think the main market for a pink car with a heart on it in the States would be 16-year-old girls with rich daddies, I don't think Honda should be faulted for doing what companies' marketing teams are supposed to do best: find their target consumer and do whatever it takes to get that consumer to buy their product. And, obviously, Honda has done that. The Honda Fit She's is selling in Japan, but it's not even on the market here, because American women (over all) wouldn't make it worth Honda's time and money.

So, women, this morning I felt that chip on my shoulder; the chip that I feel I have to have to keep up with men, or prove myself, or whatever silly reason. Take the chip off today. Leave it at home. Enjoy being a woman today. If that includes allowing men to be kind to you, let it happen. If it includes realizing, not resenting, but realizing that you wear makeup for yourself and not the "male dominated society," let it happen. Am I saying "let guys treat you like crap today"? No. I'm saying, embrace your femininity without putting men down or blaming them for the choices you, a liberated woman, make.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi

The Modern Woman: How Do You Define Being a Woman?

I've been a "feminist" my whole life. I was raised believing that women can do anything we want to do, and I have always expected that I would take the world by storm. I've always played with the boys and demanded nothing less than being better than them. To me, being a 21st century woman meant being a powerhouse career woman and defying all odds to beat the men.

This year is definitely not going how I expected it would go. I am not working a full-time job because I'm taking the year to learn how to cope with fibromyalgia and what my body needs to be healthy while it's in pain. I'm writing this blog and contributing to another site, as well as working on the Obama campaign. I live with my fiancé who is a high school teacher and when we moved in together, we came to the very practical agreement that I would do most of the housework, since he works full time.

To be completely honest, when it started, I loved it! I thought it was fun because we had just moved up here and everything was new. I was setting up house and playing the role of the 1950s housewife. It was fun, sending Josh off to work, then cleaning and making the house look nice while he was gone, and kissing him when he got home with dinner simmering on the stove. That lasted about two weeks.

I suddenly realized in mid-August that I was relying on a man to bring in money and I was keeping his house. I went through a major identity crisis. What had happened to the career-driven woman from my past? Was it wrong for me to enjoy staying home and making it look nice? Had I completely wasted the last five years in college getting a degree I'm not using? Was realizing that I want to have kids and be a stay-at-home mom good enough for me? What does "good enough" mean? It was the worst month I've ever had! I was engaged to a wonderful man who supports me doing anything (something I've always wanted), but I wasn't happy, because I couldn't figure out what I wanted.

Now, two months later, after weekly psychologist visits and continued support from Josh, as well as the success of this blog, I am comfortable with where I am. Is being a homemaker where I saw myself at 23? No way. But we can't ever imagine the curve balls life will throw us. I was diagnosed in January with fibromyalgia--how would I have ever guessed that this would happen to me? It's still hard sometimes, seeing Josh with his own classroom and program, because sometimes I feel like that's where I should be, too; but I'm learning to be comfortable with myself and my circumstances, and that's something that when I wanted to be a career woman I had never thought of at all. One thing I have found is that the more comfortable I get with myself, the less pain I'm in.

I absolutely can't wait to have kids and stay home with them*. I love having a clean house. I enjoy making food. I really like writing this blog. I love the fact that I don't have to miss work because I'm feeling bad on a particular day; I just relax and maybe the dusting doesn't get done that day.

I don't think the dream of being a powerhouse woman is gone at all. I just think that the perception of what a "powerhouse woman" is, has changed. I am going to be the best mom ever (except for my mom, of course!). I am working on having a successful "from home" blogging career. This blog is going better than I ever expected! It's crazy! I have over 3600 hits in less than 6 weeks! I look forward to being one of the logistics coordinators for the Obama campaign during GOTV in November. After the election, I can't wait to volunteer for a different non-profit organization. And, most of all, I love the fact that I'm getting healthier. I am proving that even though fibromyalgia can change the course of your life and take you where you never expected to go, you can make it something great and thrive. I am a powerhouse woman. I have to take naps and sit down a lot, but I honestly believe that I am on my way to being exactly who I never knew I wanted to be. :)

So, I guess I am a bit of a 1950s girl, but you know what? Being a 21st century woman means that you get to define what being a woman is for yourself. And I love being this definition of "woman" I've chosen for myself.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi

*For all of you freaking out and wondering if I'm pregnant, I'm not. :) We are not having kids for a long time. I'm just looking forward to it when it does happen.

Social Mini-Experiment: Does Appearance Actually Matter?

Starbucks.com

Good Monday morning, everyone! I hope you all had a great weekend! I had a fantastic weekend, but found it so hard to wake up this morning. Mondays sometimes turn into Starbucks days for me because I need that extra pick-me-up. Today's Starbucks run actually turned into a little social experiment. Here is the background of my incredibly un-scientific experiment:

I have been a Starbucks drinker for a long time (Those of you who are going to judge me for drinking Starbucks instead of supporting local business, please do so and get it out of your system. Okay...judging completed? Great! Keep reading.). A year ago I was doing weekly professional observations at a local middle school. I had to be there around 7:30am each week and I started making a habit of dropping by the closest Starbucks in an act of self-bribery to get myself out of bed. I was always dressed very well since I was on my way to a professional engagement. I got used to a variety of free items the guys at Starbucks would give me: free coffee upgrade, free banana bread, free frappuccinos, free muffins, etc. I didn't really think much of it, until my fiancé told me that it isn't normal, and I was getting "special treatment" because of the way I looked. I laughed it off, thinking he was just being sweet or something. I attributed my getting free things to the fact that I'm a morning person and I'm quite personable in the early hours of the day. I always asked how the guys were and was very pleasant. Just to clarify: I never flirted with them, I'm just a conversational person.

But then I got to thinking about it.

I moved up to the Cincinnati area a few months ago. No more Starbucks where the guys who work there have gotten to know me. A couple weeks ago I had to go deal with some computer problems at the Apple store. I was acutely aware of the fact that there was a Starbucks in the mall close to the Apple store. I dressed nicely: jeans, heels, cute top, hair pulled back, natural but accentuating makeup. I had to leave my computer at the store for a while, so I wandered down to Starbucks. There were two people working there: a guy and a girl. I waited until the guy was closest to the register, had a friendly conversation with him, and then asked for a coffee and a bagel--and got free cream cheese! The very next day, my computer messed up again and I had to take it back. And I dressed up again: wedges, jeans, Michael Kors top, hair up again, makeup edgier than yesterday, but not too much. Again, I had to leave my computer at the store for an hour, so I went back to the same Starbucks. The same guy was working there (different girl, I think), I asked for the same order, and got free cream cheese again. When I told my fiancé about this he was not surprised at all, and repeated what he had told me a year ago: that I was getting free stuff because of the way I looked. I was determined to prove him wrong.

This morning I was in yoga pants, sneakers, and a hoodie, with my hair in a ponytail and no makeup. I went to Starbucks, was my usual charming self, and didn't get any free stuff. I actually stepped outside my typical personality and tried to engage the male barista in more of a conversation than I normally do. I asked if he had had a good weekend. He looked at me, said, "sure," and went back to the making of my drink. At the other Starbucks the male barista and I had chatted for a good couple of minutes. This guy would barely even talk to me. I got my coffee and left.

So. I was talking to my fiancé about this little social experiment this morning before I conducted it; he was already assuming that today was going to go exactly how it actually went. He said that all it shows is a few thousand years of males being hardwired to pay special attention to the attractive females and ignore the ones who aren't "hot." I think this experiment does show that, although, for the record, I look stunning in yoga pants! ;) But when I was growing up, I was always told that "looks don't matter" and "it's what's inside your head that counts." Is it? I'm not so sure. I think it's important to be intelligent, because if you're just some bimbo with no brains, even if you are super-hot, you won't get an extraordinarily high-profile job because you can't handle it and you have no idea what's going on. But look at these women who are CEOs and business owners. They're attractive women.

Andrea Jung, Chairman and CEO Avon

Safra Catz, President and CFO Oracle

Angela Braly, President, Chairman, and CEO
Wellpoint Health Insurance

Indra Nooyi, Chairman and CEO PepsiCo.

Would they have gotten this far if they hadn't been attractive? I would love to say, "Yes, it's about the hard work they put in, not their looks," but is it? I'm sure they all have put in hard work, but they're all also attractive. 

So, in this very small un-scientific look at society, appearance trumped personality. It's kind of too bad it turned out like this, in my opinion. I'm not saying I wish I'd gotten free stuff, because that isn't really what matters; I just wish that personality had trumped appearance. But, like my fiancé said, it's a four thousand year old hardwiring problem in men that we are trying change with a one hundred year old feminist movement. 

I think this is something that women, especially "progressive" women, don't want to acknowledge. But it's there. So, ladies, I kind of feel like I'm just saying something I think we've all felt even though we're being told otherwise: "Looks do matter."

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi