7 Relationship Tips

You know, there are a lot of things this morning that I have "opinions" about this morning: the premiere of "Dancing with the Stars" (Season 16??? Are we bored yet?), Sarah Palin's speech at CPAC (Why is her juvenile mockery so appealing to people? Putting someone down doesn't make you a leader.), March Madness (My alma mater, Louisville, is the #1 overall seed in the NCAA tournament! Kentucky was snubbed and didn't even make the NCAA tournament!), the Jodi Arias trial (Fascinating!), and the Carnival Cruise line (Why are people still going on these boats??). While those are all fun things to talk about, instead of being snarky and provocative, I would like to take today to talk about love.

For the last two weeks my fiancé, Josh, has been working 12 to 16 hours a day at school. He was the music director for the musical "Oklahoma!" It was fantastic! His kids did a wonderful job and I couldn't be more proud of them or him!

The musical ran from Thursday through Saturday. Our weekly date night is Friday night. Obviously this last week, Friday was completely out: Josh was at school until 10:15pm, I was at home cleaning and watching the Big East tournament semifinals, and we were both exhausted by the time we saw each other. We decided to go to Saturday morning brunch as our date. It was so much fun! We went to IHOP (I know there are political problems with this company--I love their pancakes and I am not going to take a political stand on everything.) and spent literally three hours just talking. It was so great! We talked about his school stuff, neuroscience, ADHD, seeing potential in yourself, and us. Getting to have that weekly time with each other makes it so much easier to be best friends, not just lovers. We are so incredibly lucky to be more in love than almost any other couple we've met!

We got home and cleaned our apartment because our families were coming to the musical on Saturday night. Josh cleaned the kitchen while I did the bathroom and then we blitzed the living room together. The chemistry we have when it comes to getting things done is so good. We know what needs to be done, we know what the other can handle, and we work together to make it happen.

I know that no relationship is perfect, and ours isn't without its flaws; but it is so good! While a lot of what we have does come naturally, we do work at our relationship. Here are the seven most important things I can tell you about being in a successful relationship:

1. Love the quirks. If your significant other's quirks bother you more than make you laugh, that could be a problem. One of Josh's biggest quirks is destroying a made bed just by looking at it. Last night I went to sleep laughing because I had put the bed back together before I brushed my teeth, and it was completely untucked by the time I came back! We were laughing so hard and it sounds silly to anyone else, but if I didn't love him and everything about him, I could have gotten really upset. Obviously, you will get irritated with some of the quirks, but make sure the endearing qualities outweigh the irritating qualities, or you could have some problems on your hands.

2. Have a weekly date. I saw something a couple of weeks ago about how a couple never had a date because they make their kids their priority. Now, obviously, we don't have kids yet so that's not super-relevant, but even when we do have kids, we will still have a weekly time for just us. We have had a weekly date every week since we started dating. They're usually on Friday night but, like last week, sometimes we move our dates around a little bit. Sometimes we are so exhausted by Friday that we just stay in and watch a movie and get Chinese food. Set that time aside for yourselves, though. It makes such a difference. I mean, we spend a lot of time together, but "Date Night" is different than just a night at home. Make it special, make it about you, and make it something you both want to do.

3. Talk with each other. Josh kind of goes nuts sometimes because I talk so much. He also is a bit of a talker. ;-) But we talk about pretty much everything. We know each other's goals, pet peeves, pasts, dislikes, passions, and hopes. I cannot stress enough, just like everyone who has ever said anything about relationships: communication is the key. We barely ever fight. Really! I know that for those of you who  know us, you might be surprised by that because we both have...rather strong personalities, shall I say! But we are always fine tuning our relationship, instead of waiting until something breaks and then fixing it. Some people say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." I say, "If you are in consistent communication, it won't break." Ha--that's a horrible saying, but you get the message.

4. Be honest. If you are in a truly great relationship, the other person will not write you off if you screw up. You will work through it and move on. So, just be honest with your partner. This is my biggest one. I have trust issues (I know how cliche that sounds, but it's true.) because of things that happened to me a long time ago, not because of anything Josh did. However, if he were ever untruthful to me and then I found out about it, it would probably mess with my head for months. I am a little bit too honest with Josh; he has told me multiple times that he doesn't need to hear every detail of my day. But because of where my head is, I don't ever want to lie to him, even by accident. Josh doesn't tell me every detail of his days, and I'm fine with that. But I know he's honest with me and doesn't hide things or lie to me or anything. If you can't say that about your relationship, that might be the place to start working.

5. Cut your partner some slack. Now, I just want to be clear: I am not as good as this one as Josh is. He is the most patient person I've ever met in my entire life. But I'm learning, and the more flexible I am, the better our relationship gets. Josh cuts me slack all the time because of my fibromyalgia--I don't get as much as I want to done and he is so patient with me. On Saturday when we got home from IHOP, Josh needed 20 minutes for a cat nap before he started cleaning. I let him do his thing and I started cleaning the bathroom while he just relaxed for a while. And then he cleaned the entire kitchen. The "old me" would have been harping and harping and harping at him to clean right when we walked in the door and it would have been a very unhappy experience. Instead, I let him be an adult and make his own decisions, because I knew that he understood what needed to be done. And he was happy about that. And I was, too. :-) It really makes a difference, trust me.

6. Work on yourself. This one can seem counter-intuitive, because talking about a "relationship" makes you think about what you can do for or with the other person. But you cannot have a great relationship with anyone else unless you consistently and constantly work on your relationship with yourself. This is something that I have a very hard time with because I would rather spend all day doing things to make Josh happy than figure out why I'm feeling insecure about something. But if I just ignore that little pinprick going on in the back of my mind, it will manifest itself in crazy ways. You must be honest with both of you: your partner and yourself.

7. Show appreciation for each other. To really show appreciation for your partner, ask them how they feel appreciated. That might sound really silly, but it's not. I feel appreciated when Josh verbally says, "Thank you for..." or "I love the way you..." Josh feels appreciated when I do something like doing the dishes or having the house decently in order. This was a disconnect for us for a long time because I would say things to him like, "Thank you for working so hard" or "I love how dedicated you are to your job" because that's how I feel appreciated. He would do things like go to the store and pick up a few things or fill my car with gas. I appreciated those things, but didn't feel like I was being appreciated, if that makes sense. We actually talked about it a few months ago and realized that we were "appreciating" the other person the way we want to be appreciated. So now, I'm making an effort to do the dishes or something and he is making the effort to verbally acknowledge what I do. We both feel a lot more appreciated. :-)

I hope these tips help some people and I hope that those of you in great relationships just nodded for the last five minutes while you were reading them. :-) There are thousands more tips, of course, but these are just the ones I had at the front of my mind today.

"Be the change you wish to be in the world." --Gandhi

Divorce: The Throes of Media and the Hope of Reality

It seems like Fridays are turning into reflective, thankful days. Last Friday I wrote about gratitude and taking time to tell someone you are thankful for that you appreciate them. Today is going to be about relationships. This might scare off some of my male readers, but, hey, I'm a chick and you had to know relationships were going to come up sometime... :)

I was spurred to think about relationships because of the latest celebrity news headlines.
These, of my team's former receiver (so glad he'd already gotten cut and was with the Dolphins when this happened):
"Chad Johnson [previously "Ochocinco"] Pleads Not Guilty to Misdemeanor Battery Charge"--ABC
"Chad Johnson Gives In, Responds to Divorce Case Filed by Evelyn Lozada"--E!
"Chad Johnson Files for Divorce from Evelyn Lozada; Admits Marriage is Over"--NY Daily News
And these:
"Kelly Rutherford Breaks Down about Custody Battle on 'The View'"--Daily Mail
"Kelly Rutherford Feared Abduction During Custody Battle"--ABC
"Kelly Rutherford Loses Custody of Children in Brutal Divorce"--SheKnows.com
And finally these, about one of my favorite models and TV personalities:
"Heidi Klum, Seal's Divorce is Getting Messy"--HuffPost
"Heidi Klum Admits Something--But Not Cheating--with Bodyguard"--latimes.com
"Heidi Klum Calls Seal Divorce 'Horrible,' Says Bodyguard Is a 'Great Man'--Yahoo! News

These make me so sad. I'm not really going to touch on the fact that their personal lives are splashed across the headlines, because they're celebrities and that's what happens when anything goes on in their life, regardless of how personal it might be (Do I think it's right? No. But that's not what this post is about.). Even though these are just the headlines from this week, we hear about divorce and separation and custody battles all the time. We never have headlines like these: "Diane Sawyer Stays Married to the Same Man for 23 Years" or "Mystery Writer Michael Connelly and Wife of Almost 30 Years Go on Vacation Together." It's just sad that our society sees marriage as being something that is okay to get out of. I'm not saying that divorce shouldn't be allowed or anything like that--I, myself, am the product of a second marriage, so I wouldn't exist, had that previous relationship not ended. I just wonder how hard people work, honestly work, to work things out.

I often wonder what it would be like if divorce had not become socially acceptable. It is common in films, TV shows, and our press. What would happen if the press refused to publish anything about divorce? What would society be like if our TV shows didn't have divorce in them? I am very well aware that relationships aren't fairytales, but what if there were more movies out there like "Hope Springs"? That movie is so focused on the couple's problems and how they work through it, even though at one point, Meryl Streep's character wants a divorce. They still worked through it! It's fantastic! That movie is not a fairy tale at all; it's realistic. Realistic of what marriages that have slumped can return to and how much work it takes.

Today I'm going to tell my fiancé that I believe in us. We still have things to work through, but, you know, I'd like to keep working through them together. :)

Have a wonderful weekend.

P.S. I hit 1,000 views this morning of this blog! Thank you so much! It's more than I ever expected!

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."--Gandhi

Sexual Abuse: Teacher-Student Relationships

Good morning!

This post is going to be a little bit serious; it's on a topic that is very close to my heart. 

Yesterday in the news there was a story about Erica DePalo, a 2011 "Teacher of the Year," who was arrested for having a sexual relationship with one of her students. While this alone is enough to make my blood boil, the thing that caught my attention and really infuriated me was that former students who are now in college were interviewed and said that there were always jokes going around about her relationships with students. That means that people knew about this at least six years ago, which means that this 15-year-old student is not the first to have this happen with this teacher. Generally, students aren't going to pick up on something like that and joke about it unless there is something actually there. I have no idea if the administration at her school knew about what was going on or had heard the rumors, but it is their job to know what is going on in that school and take every rumor or joke very seriously, especially when it involves a teacher-student relationship.

Now, I want to be very clear that I am not blaming the students or administration for what happened. While it is important that everything is reported and investigated, every teacher has a responsibility to his or her students. When a teacher signs a contract, they also sign a code of ethics. In this overview of a standard code of ethics for teachers, Principle I is about protecting students. It is never in a student's best interest for a teacher to flirt with him or her, or start a sexual relationship. What this teacher did is an abomination. It has changed the course of those students' lives. Even though they have graduated, are (possibly) in college, and maybe even engaged or married already, they will never forget what happened to them in high school, and it may take them years of therapy before they can really, truly trust again.

So, students, if you know there is something inappropriate going on between a teacher and a student in your school, please tell someone. It needs to stop now. 

Administrators, if you know there is something inappropriate going on between a teacher and a student in your school, please take the right action, not just the convenient action. It needs to stop now.

At the bottom of this story, which is the same one I linked at the beginning of this post, there is a set of photos of "Teachers Behaving Badly." There are 35. In a few days, I'm sure Ms. DePalo's photo will be among these. But what about the teachers who haven't been caught and fired yet, like Ms. DePalo wasn't for last six years? They are out there, and it is our job to do our part and bring them to justice.

Keep our children safe. Keep each other safe.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." --Gandhi